Gifted experience; Teezers Retro Golf

Themed adult golf is HOT right now. They are popping up everywhere. As you may remember I went to Ghetto Golf a few months ago in Birmingham and we agreed that Coventry really needed one too. Since then they have started popping up everywhere.
Teezers, just outside the ring road opposite IKEA, has opened up in the recently disgraced Club M.
The people behind this venture have been planning it for a while, and have visited every adult crazy golf venue in the country, and decided to strongly theme each hole, and regularly change hole to keep it fresh.
Current themes (December 2018) include Jurassic park, Tetris, and my favourite “Baby Shark”!
…I mean “Jaws”
Now I could walk you through all the holes, and talk about the fantastic pieces created for the golf holes, but there are plenty of other blogs and reviews that will do that. Most were really well done, it there were some things that missed the mark, such as the Gallagher Brothers on the “Oasis” hole!
…Liam Gallagher
I went in a small group of bloggers, on a quiet Monday night after the opening weekend. We were one of a few groups in, but it felt empty. I don’t want to complain that we didn’t have to wait at each hole, or feel watched by strangers. But, it did lack atmosphere, and warmth. The music started off in the retro theme with 80s and 90s hits, but soon strayed into more modern contemporary music suck as “Pink!” Singing a version of Million dreams, which came out very recently.
I can’t deny the the decor of the holes was stunning, and it’s obvious that a lot of money and effort has been put into the golf, but I just didn’t have fun. Sometimes being treated as a reviewer sucks. I really really wish I could have been there on a proper night, where it was busy, the drinks were flowing and I could have a laugh with my friends.
Talking of drinks, I have an axe to grind. In this day, everyone is concerned with plastic straws, health and safety and the environment. Well, Teezers not only use two plastic straws per cocktail, they shove it in a red plastic cup (frat party reference apparently), and include a plastic golf club for good measure! Now I get that health and safety means that plastic cups, are the “right” choice for a golf venue (especially one that used to be a club where a stabbing happened). There are so many reusable options available which would create a nicer experience for the drinker and the Planet.
The venue boasts the only Tango Burst machine in the country which is allowed to include alcohol (offically). This means that it is in prime position behind the bar. Also, all the cocktails come with shaved ice, which of course cuts their drinks costs. This means, between the opaque red cup, and the shaved ice, you can’t really see your drink. They do make a different garnish for each of the cocktails, so you can tell them apart, but I was constantly unsure which was my drink all evening.
If you too are a Harry Potter fan, as I am, you too would get excited if you spotted “Butter Beer”. I read the ingredients, (Sailor Jerry, Licor 43, vanilla, malt) and thought “Yummy!” But boy was I disappointed. It literally tasted like cheap beer with butter in it? I cannot imagine why or how someone thought this was a good idea! It should be a warming butterscotch flavoured sweet drink, but this was simply dry, and foul. It left a greasy feeling in the mouth and and unsettled feeling in general.
I did try the ones that others had, and they were all sweet, fruity, and full of alcohol. They are billed as fun, and nowhere as serious as their cocktail bar on Spon Street, Samoan Joes, But I think that for £7 a cocktail, they need to step up their game.
The food is provided by Hangry Moose a “street food” vender who claims ” the way street food should be” on the bottom of the menu. Street food is one of those Buzz phrases which is very up to interpretation, but it’s basically Regional fast food, available from a cart, van or stall. The Decor around the kitchen hatch reflects this, and The Hangry Moose originates from a catering van in Bromsgrove. In their other venue they concentrate on breakfast and burgers, but have created this new menu exclusively for Teezers. They also boast a 5 star hygiene rating.
I found several major problem with the food. Firstly is the size of the portions. With a price tag between £6 and £8 on average, the portions are humungous! I could not have eaten a while portion on my own. For example: tempura prawns contain 24 deep fried prawns and two small pots of sweet chilli sauce. This costs £8. Maybe a half portion for could help more people order food, and could, in the long run cut down on food wastage. Also maybe some further info about portion size on the menu would be useful.
My other issues about the prawns were that they looked horrible. The batter looked under done, and the prawns were only just cooked. They lacked any seasoning, and the sweet chilli sauce was disgusting. Saying that, they were still one of the better items I ate. Now I understand that street food isn’t all about how it looks, but when it both looks and tastes mediocre at best, you do start to question it.
Next thing that was served up was Hangry Sticks (double fried chips topped with Chilli con carne and chipotle mayo) and Sweet Spot (Sweet potato fries topped with nacho cheese, bbq sauce and crispy onions).
The Marketing person is a big fan of Hangry sticks, and says that he eats them every day for lunch, and has them every day for lunch. The chips are crispy, the chipotle mayo is lovely, but I found the chilli a bit lacking.
The Sweet spot fries would be delicious if it wasn’t for the fact that I personally hate nacho cheese. The Sweet potato fries may be the crispiest I’ve ever had, but the flavour is a bit lost unfortunately. Again, I have to point out that the potions are enormous, and at £6 a portions are totally a meal on their own. (Plain fries are £4 and sweet fries are £6 per potion)
I was impressed that we were asked about food allergies when we arrived, especially as one of our party has a nut allergy. This was particularly important because we were served “Chicken Nut”, deep fried chicken coated in Crunchie Nut Cornflakes. These are available in the types: Faldo, Tiger and Hangry. We were served Hangry, which were so hot and sour that none of us managed to eat more then a bite. Totally a shame, as if we had been offered a choice, we all would have gone for the none spicy version. We all commented on the amount of spice in everything, and how much we all struggled with how hot it all was. Personally, I love a bit of spice, but when everything is so spicy, your taste buds hurt, it’s not an enjoyable experience. I would have liked to see a nice bbq sauce on these chicken bits, I think that would have been lovely.
Finally we got given the Pigs in Blankets. These were agreed by the group to be the best item. The did look over done, but were crispy and tasty. And I loved the Chipotle mayo.
Over all, the food was oversizes, clunky, and deep fried. Not very appealing to look at and if I went again, I wouldn’t rush to eat. I can see that the target audience is Men. Spicy, heavy deep fried food in giant portions, is not really inclusive, and certainly wouldn’t recommend it to any of my friends. Saying that, the others in the party enjoyed the food much more then I did.
Over all I didn’t enjoy the evening, but I think I had an unusual evening, and one that no one else would have if they visited Teezers. If I were to go again and paid, I would go at a peak time, order a beer ( they have a nice selection of BrewDog beers), eat food that was more my taste (Maybe a burger without cheese?) and have a fun night with friends enjoying the busier atmosphere. But That isn’t the experience I had, so I have to be honest and say I didn’t enjoy myself.
One last little niggle, was that the water in the bathrooms what’s super hot. When I mentioned this, the venue plumber (who was sat having a drink at the Bar) was dragged over to explain about how water now has to be a 60 degrees to help prevent the spread of legionnaires disease. It felt really sorry for the guy, as all that is needed is a warning sign so future patrons don’t scold their hands like I did!
price wise, it costs £10 to get in, and booking is recommended. Beers start at £4.50 and you could save on food if you go in a group and share a few dishes. But I recon you would easily spend £30 on a night out. But you could easily save money by not eating or drinking there.
If I compare it to Ghetto Golf, I would say that it wasn’t as Cool, fun or as tasty in general.
Teezers is more of a budget venue, and could be a good alternative to going to the cinema or going skating at the Sky dome. It fits in very well into Coventry, and is very well located, just across from the Sky Dome.
Overall, I don’t think I would visit again, but all the other people in the party said they would, and enjoyed themselves. I accept that I am not a person of mainstream tastes, and many people would disagree with me, but it was somewhere that I had looked forward to going, and was so disappointed with the attitude, offerings and experience. I usually opt for ” if you can’t say something nice…” but I felt that I should share my opinion on this one, and hope I have done so constructively. What do you think, would you visit? Have you visited and had a different experience, please let me know in the comments below!

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Oh no it’s such a shame you didn’t enjoy it! Maybe if you went back in a relaxed way with some friends you might enjoy it better 🙂

  2. Oh my gosh I really wanted to go to this place, but I’m sad to read that you didn’t enjoy it as much! I’m especially gutted about the ‘butterbeer’ as it would’ve been nice to have it outside of Warner Bros.

  3. Oh wow I’m so glad I didn’t go now by the sounds of it! I’ve never been to a crazy golf for adults and really want to go to Ghetto Golf in Birmingham. Think I might give Teezers a miss though, it doesn’t sound worth the drive…

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